First Caveat - this turned out wayyyyyyy longer than intended, I've tried my best to highlight or underline important points so it is scannable. However, I completely understand if it is too much.
Second caveat - these are just suggestions and/or possibilities - please discard any that don't work for you or even peak your interest. This are simply some things that have helped me sometimes.
Third caveat - Please use these as a starting point to make your own list of self-care, it is more important now than ever. I will try to add a list of starting points below, however, I am not a therapist, or even that well versed in this - so please seek out knowledgable and compassionate professionals, and research and ponder things that are unique to you. Above all - self-care is 'self' it is the opposite of one size fits all, we each can only do so much, and some days, weeks, months are harder than others - so this list can change depending on your emotional, physical, mental and spiritual energy levels.
Fourth caveat - Routines vs. ruts vs. novelty - please take note of your own neurodivergence - some of us can have one list and live by it - others may need to update what comforts them and feeds their soul every few months or years. While still others may need reminding the list created ever existed. So add an appointment or alert for 3 or 6 months from now to revisit your self-care list. You can update it, start anew, or laugh at how out of date it is or how much it didn't work.
Fifth caveat - I need headings and categories to better accomplish and understand - thus I have organized tips below as such. If this organization does not make sense to you, I added a downloadable pdf and a link to a CANVA template to create your own.
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With those out of the way, let's get started with possibilities...
WAIT---oh shoot i'm ahead of myself.
DEFINITIONS
1st let's define self-care - it isn't just massages and pedicures (although these should not be discounted - they are also important to your health:) - especially when you finally go for a massage and the masseuse has had to work really hard, and gives you a look of worry at how tight and inflexible you are:]
Starting with just you - Your mental and physical health
NIH Definition https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health "Self-care means taking the time to do things that help you live well and improve both your physical health and mental health. This can help you manage stress, lower your risk of illness, and increase your energy. Even small acts of self-care in your daily life can have a big impact."
American Psychological Association's Definition (for students) https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2014/04/corner - "Self-care has been defined as providing adequate attention to one's own physical and psychological wellness (Beauchamp & Childress, 2001). Beyond being an aspirational goal, engaging in self-care has been described as an "ethical imperative" (Norcross & Barnett, 2008) and is part of the APA's Ethics Code (2002).
But the unspoken reality is that self-care in graduate school is a struggle. As trainees, we receive mixed messages — perform at a high level and meet all rigorous training demands, while making time for outside activities, relaxation and fun. Barnett has referred (PDF, 314KB) to this as "the impossible situation" for trainees."
Self- care and your world
The WHO self-care definition https://www.who.int/health-topics/self-care#tab=tab_1 "Self-care is the ability of individuals, families and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a health worker."
______________________ look up your own definitions of 'self-care' and write them down.
We will start with the easier to picture bit -
Physical Self- Care
I'm not saying these are easy to do, but they are easier to imagine. Again these are options - perfection is an unobtainable goal! Do what you can - it's progress, it's baby steps, it's one step further to who you want to be, it's not everything all at once. Perfection is a lie- to aspire to - not to achieve.
How to physically take care of yourself -
Schedule and attend your ANNUAL DOCTOR'S EXAM - make sure a CBC blood test, urine, stool are all included if possible - best to get everything done at once. (Bonus points for sexual health, hormone screenings, dermatology, colonoscopy, mammogram, and any genetically linked health screenings they can conduct.)
TEETH CLEANING at least once/ year - twice or more if you can. Despite US insurance companies separating dental health from physical - it is incredibly important, and at the least you will have better breathe after:) If you can't do it - floss at least once per day - two if possible. then brush your teeth everyday and swish with diluted hydrogen peroxide-medical grade (1:3 with water or just lots of water - don't swallow though- spit) or mouthwash.
EYE EXAM - preferably by an ophthalmologist - a medically licensed doctor specializing in eye care; however if your insurance denies it or you do not have access - go to an optometrist (fyi - Costco has pretty good prices - and you don't always need to be a member to get an exam - but you do to purchase glasses or contact lenses). This isn't just if your eyesight is failing - they check ocular pressure, macular degeneration, and over 270 different eye related illnesses/diseases. Not everyone need go, but if you are already scheduling the others - bonus points for this.
MOVEMENT everyday - Whether its a few short walks, a long walk, time to dance, swishing and flourishing while vacuuming or cleaning, or wow if you can actually get to a gym! Moving your body helps your mental health too! You don't have to run a marathon, you just have to move. (Please note- if you have difficulty with mobility - check with your health care provider for the safest way to incorporate movement into your day in a more fun- non clinical way:)
DRINK WATER- honestly this should be so easy - but it isn't. Set alarms, download an app, or use a large water bottle with marks of when to drink. Whatever works for you. Just drink water (it is possible to drink too much but its hard to do).
EAT-a few meals and some healthy food. I don't want to press you into 3 square meals a day - that sounds like prison- although their food is prepared which sounds nice. Planning, shopping, preparing and cooking is a lot, like a lot for most of us. Don't let this lead to more guilt - find what can work for you- for where you are at. Yes super nutritious meals are the ideal - but sometimes I just need some calories with a little salt and hydration. If you are lucky enough to live near a Trader Joe's (TJ's)- go there! They have lots of fresh, refrigerated, frozen and shelf stable meals that are usually meant for 2-3 people. I find these prepped meals in TJs and in the local grocery deli section really helpful, especially on those days when staring into the refrigerator I only see ingredients and work.
Also with the prices of food now - reduce your guilt of not cooking at home - I frequently am inspired to eat more healthy foods and cook - then I feel super bad when I give up and order out - because its sooo expensive. On the other hand I'm actually eating, and not wasting money on 'healthy food' rotting in my fridge. So perhaps give yourself some coupons to order fast food or delivery - for the days you can't manage. If they are already budgeted - you shouldn't feel as much guilt (you might, but I'm telling you not to:).
If you are at a place where you are a good cook and can cook, prep and freeze things- GO YOU- I'm soooo jealous! Look up prep meals in your area - or buy some silicone freezer meal things like - SOUPER CUBES - these are (obviously) great for soup, chili, lasagna, sauces, herbs etc. Once frozen - simply flip them out of the silicone and restore in a freezer bag/ container. (Yes this should be the easiest self-care - but I find it is one of the most difficult. When I say I cannot cook - I've started liking the slightly burnt taste everything I make has...)
SNACKS - Identify 3-4 snacks you like. These should be easily prepped, provide comfort and some sort of nutritional value. They don't need to be perfect - but halloween candy doesn't really count. (Possible alternatives - small bowl of nuts (uhmm wish that didn't sound so awfully dirty); sliced apple and peanut butter; crackers and cheese; fruit or vegetable tray; chips and hummus/ or similar dip.)
VITAMINS - Sooo, these are necessary especially for us folk that may not be taking in everything they should in their diet. But now there are more options, there are traditional vitamins in pill form, but now we also have gummies - which are more like a candy treat, and even stickers! Stickers are my new preference as I find I don't get that squirrely morning tummy issue. My newest fixation are vitamin stickers from Barriere, Patchaid and assorted b12 hangover patches - HOWEVER - as with anything health related check with your medical professional and pharmacist for any possible negative effects or interactions.
CHAPSTICK EVERYWHERE - Okay maybe this isn't a real list item, but I cannot find my chapstick while writing this and it is driving me crazy! I usually have purse chapstick, bedside table chapstick, living room end table, car and pocket chapstick - they have alllllll disappeared, like left socks and hair rubberbands. If you don't have this then you are blessed, and no lipstick does not fill the void.
TREATS - What are healthy treats you can both enjoy as motivational prizes and are good for you/ or aren't 'bad' for you. You should have a box or zone of these ready for your accomplishments. These can be anything from bitesize chocolate, to a 30 second dance party button, to a $5 or $10 gift card you've "earned", to face, eye, foot or hand masks. Make your own reward list, and put them in a treasure chest/ bin of sorts and reward yourself!
Mental Self-Care
Ok these can be really, really, really tough, and as with everything above- check with your health care provider before making any changes - like who knew grapefruit seed extract or St. John's Wort could be so contrary?!!
TRY TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP - This is not meant to be mean, this is simply that society is full of ignorant prigs and even when we identify and self identify with lots of engaging social media that helps bring our issues to light - that only goes so far. Diagnosis, medication, treatment and understanding is an arduous process - but if you have the access and ability for even a short professional session, try it - you are worth it. We can all only garner so much from other's personal experiences, but when we really need help- professionals have the best tools, access, and linkages. NOTE 1: Yes there are tiers to professional help, but all/most are helpful. If you cannot access (because of time, money, insurance, geography etc.), that does not mean you should quit - although I realize it is (unfairly) exhausting. Free therapy, meet up groups, books, library groups, online support etc. all exist - still do your due diligence - and above all - if you feel triggered or your gut tells you otherwise - do not stay! Not every professional or group is the best fit. I do advise you to take the time to question your response, and internally investigate what might have triggered you, because any provider worth their salt should be understanding and willing to listen and address your fears and worries. NOTE 2: I have been to a group therapy, and three different professionals that were not a good fit and were not helpful. So do not discount your gut or discomfort - (I only say to look inside in case it is what you don't want to hear vs. them not understanding or properly hearing you). NOTE 3: You are worth it. As tough as this world is, you deserve to live and experience the best life you can while you are alive on this rock hurdling through space - no matter what society and insurance companies tell you. It is unfair that you have to do extra work just to survive and try to find joy in this life - but you deserve to be able to live and enjoy this life; to love, to dream, to rest and to live. Mental health professionals and groups can help you do that. You are not alone.
NOTE 4: Even if you do not get a full diagnosis - it does not mean you have not suffered from micro - aggressions, lacks in education, experienced undue hardship and/or more. It does not mean you are not ADHD, or Autistic, or dyslexic, or have a processing disorder etc. . It could simply mean you live in a place where insurance doesn't recognize these things, or you don't have the economic means for a diagnosis, or even if there is one- it could be 2-5 years to garner an appointment with a 'professional'. In addition to all of that - please note for women in their late 30's to mid 50's only just being diagnosed with ADHD/ADD researchers are only now actually studying the relationships of hormone variations and ADD, and even then for years ADHD was viewed/understood as primarily a physical hyperactivity - not mental. As with all of science- research is ongoing and we are and will continue (hopefully) to learn a lot. Do not discount your own experiences, connections and intuition. Neurodivergents may need accommodations to our capitalistic 9-5, that does not mean we do not serve a pivotal and important role in all aspects of society. You-your experiences, your creativity, your diversity (in physical presentation, views, thoughts, expressions), your perspectives - only stretch boundaries of success, and broaden creative vision. Your unique perspectives feed prosperity and progress. Those may be scary terms initially - but honestly the alternative is worse- do you want to swim in a pond with no change and no life - it gets murky, then algae filled, then that dies and creates a cauldron of festering ick.
(OOOOKAY Pause and flex, and shake out your limbs that was a lot of info and diatribe:) If you are still with me - awesome!!
GRANT YOURSELF TIME, SPACE & GRACE TO HEAL
Many neurodivergents feel things more deeply than neurotypicals. This may be misunderstood, as we do not all express these feelings in the same way. This does not mean we do not feel them, or feel them deeply. Regardless of your brain operation- if you have friends or family members or beliefs that are contrary to what the USA just voted into power - you are not alone. These are scary times, especially when the rhetoric is repeated and spewed from historical dictators, fascist regimes and nazis are appearing all over our media over 50 years later. All of this is triggering, saddening, scary, and so many curse words with adjectives.
Please give yourself space and time to mourn. Time to cry. Time to be sad. Time to be scared. Then schedule and dedicate yourself to things that raise you up.
We need you! The world is scary - we need empathy, we need understanding, we need to mobilize and prepare to help those that have less resources than ourselves.
You don't have to do it all - but do a little- it all adds up. You matter! Your decisions matter! Your help matters! Start with you - if you somehow have extra to give, to teach, to love then do it - but don't exhaust yourself. Think of how societies and people's micro-agressions add up everyday and might try to make you feel inferior... well the reverse can be true- micro-actions of compassion and understanding - they take energy but can add up. (NOTE: this is a suggestion if you are a whyte woman that only has to fend off small amounts of micro-aggressions; to any femme/ femme of color this does not apply to you- you live this everyday; please just do whatever you can to care for yourself- and if you feel inclined and possess the energy - email us with ideas and thoughts of how to support you! You live the work, endure the work, endure this life and still manage to inspire so many of us- thank you!)
CREATE - IDENTIFY - LEARN ... LEARN - IDENTIFY - CREATE
Take a breathe or flex your fists or unclench your jaw:) I don't mean you have to do a gratitude journal or create a new prayer book - well unless it's your thing, or for your fantasy world building bible - that could be fun, I wonder what the one for DUNE looked like? I digress again (how many is that?). Point being- creating art or story through words, actions, movement, food is as old as humanity itself. Story telling through through written or spoken words, or art is pivotal! Not just to self expression, but self- understanding and connectedness - (look at any indigenous culture to best learn more). So advice, (if you feel like taking it) is to try both directions of this. Sometimes we need to create something to understand what we are experiencing and by externalizing our emotions and sensations we can identify them, then learn about how they may have come to pass, and how we can identify and react to the pattern next time.
OR
When we learn more about the human condition through stories, whether from ancestral stories, historical accounts, novels, videos or memes (obviously in depreciating order of importance and trust), but that peak our interest and pull at something deep in our soul we can identify something we connect to. This path of learning, hopefully bounces back and forth to several library, literary, and online resources (NOTE: if you aren't familiar with some of these library research techniques ask your local librarian how to: 1. Recognize Primary and secondary sources- and what they are; 2. How scientific peer-review works; 3. Proper ways to cite sources; 4. Boolean operators; etc.) Using your new found knowledge and language you can process changes in your understanding, your feelings and maybe even your perceptions - by creating stories through written word, or visual or musical or textile/tactile art.
LEARN ABOUT YOURSELF - This sounds easier than it is! But don't worry this is what a lot of self care articles and workbooks focus on. Finding what you like, what soothes you, what feeds your soul and makes you feel better so you can exist as the best person you envision yourself to be! This can be anything from personality quizzes to being mindful of what you enjoy, and what brings you comfort. OR the reverse - what situations, people, objects or sensations might trigger you.
What makes you feel good? ex: movement/ running/ spinning/ weighted blankets, scented candles, soft surroundings? What works for you?
what makes you go 'ick' ? ex: large crowds, not knowing a plan, sock seams, cilantro, 'go with the flow', a specific time table? what does not work for you?
DETERMINE YOUR (CURRENT) COMFORT ZONE - and the healthy things you do that make you feel better. (and perhaps even aspirational stretches for the zone.) Once you start to learn about yourself, what you like for you and your comfort not just what you have been taught to like or to make society comfortable it is a lot!!! Your comfort is a zone is not set in stone- but it does need boundaries to practice and protect. (Especially when you have self epiphanies and ponder new self expressions.)
DETERMINE WHAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE and notice how you cope with it - and what if anything you want to do to change that. (First and foremost this is where you should employ a professional - in any capacity.) Change is hard, and even harder if it brings discomfort or challenges current coping mechanisms. A lot of people with ADHD and other neurodivergences struggle with addictive behaviors - those that are not 'healthy'. And whether you decide to change the reactive behaviors or not is one thing, but it is in your best interest to notice, note and relay to trusted others the things that really make you uncomfortable. Some reactions/ discomforts are in your control (like which socks you buy and how you put them on - ok not everyone will understand but if-you-know-you-know). Other things are not within your control- like blinding overhead lights and blaring music when you shop for makeup but don't have funds to pay for extra shipping or knowledge of what to purchase; or a family member that does not understand neurodivergence or complexities out of 'the ordinary'.
Create and Enforce Boundaries - Okay unarguably this is the toughest one and requires consistent and constant effort. Refer to step 6 - as a professional can help much better and in the best ways to create and enforce boundaries without making you feel mean or awful. ). If you need a starter I found this helpful this article describes multiple boundaries - and although overwhelming it is useful in identifying the many ways in which you may feel treaded upon even by people you love, that may not have any idea they are doing it. (This can also be as simple as sign on your door that you are working!) Additional things to note:
Aging Parents (PS if you are dealing with emotionally immature parents or narcissists in you life, this is very tricky and really needs a professional to help navigate your best path - check out these pages I have found helpful - Family therapy and emotionally immature parents - Sit With Whit - https://callinghome.co/
Narcissim
(the data and advise for dealing with narcissists is a range - from how to deal - to get out now - this is where a professional is necessary.)
Narcissists in your life, and trying to establish boundaries - https://medium.com/@Ross-Rosenberg/setting-boundaries-with-narcissists-why-they-dont-work-c999708f148
Psychology Today - 7 Ways to Set Boundaries with Narcissists https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202006/7-ways-set-boundaries-narcissists
There are numerous resources for both - but try to rely more heavily on sites by well known: government; or trusted health clinics like Mayo and Cleveland; or top professional organizations like the APA.org. the American Psychology Association, or Psychiatry.org the American Psychiatric Association.
Narcissism is explicitly noted because of 2 reasons: 1. there is perceived and misunderstood overlap with other neurodivergence like ADHD and autism but the drivers are very different. People on the autism spectrum and ADHD express emotions differently, they are not narcissists, necessarily. Their perceived expression, or lack of doesn't align with society, but it is out of misunderstanding, confusion or percieved lack of importance (There can still be co-occurrences but they are not the same. 2. People-especially femme presenting - seem to be found in relationships with narcissists. (NO DATA - TAKE WITH A POUND OF SALT) but there seems to be a link with ADHD/Austim/AUDHD females/femmes/ people in detrimental relationships with Narcissists. I have found a couple anecdotal articles but I cannot cite a scientific study. https://kristenhovet.medium.com/do-autistic-people-attract-narcissists-more-often-than-non-autistic-people-4200d795e8c4 .
If you think or feel this you are not alone, the research and data will get there.
How this is important for writers
8. MANTRAS or QUOTES - Create your own mantras - 1 for writing & 1 to motivate the rest of life - if you find one that works for both even better! Just an easy reminder that speaks to you to indulge in your passion.
Examples:
Just write - edit later
"You can always edit a bad page. You can’t edit a blank page"- Jodi Picoult
"Do it" - Nike
Progress not perfection
9. FEED YOUR MIND AND MUSE -Once your body and mind are cared for - your 'muse' or imagination can properly take root and have more time to play. (Don't worry there are still plenty of things to motivate you to write by avoiding other adulting chores and life in general - but it is important to recognize your muse and love of creativity too.)
10. CHARACTER NEED VS. WANT the more you know about emotions, reactions and self-care the better you can portray your characters for what they "need versus want". We all put so much of ourselves into our work - the better we know ourselves the better we can portray others. So have fun!
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